Link and the setupasaurus
by Jobby lowe stuuby man
Summary: You'll see.....Well, first you'll see and then you'll complain and say "what the hell?"
1. Default Chapter

Once upon a time, there was a little planet called Earth. And on that planet there lived a species called humans, who were very anoying and stupid but, because they could now kill each other in more exciting ways than the other organisms on that planet, they called themselves smart. Infact they were so "smart" that the only thing stopping them killing each other was a crumy system called "religion". This was set up by several people working seperately who were probably smarter than the rest of the other and realised that if they didnt act fast then there wouldn't be many people left around any more which would be boring. Religion worked by putting people in mortal fear of doing anything wrong and, though it caused the odd war, it worked pretty well.  
  
Untill around the year 2000. People started to loose interest in religion, as most of them had got to the level of the origonal religion makers and were starting to see holes in it. The old familiar urges to brain each other returned.  
  
Civilization was saved however as more smarter people created ways to subvert these powerfull urges. They called it Sport.  
  
But, come 2100, even sport wasnt enough. Only the bloodiest of them- rugby and hockey-survived. By 2110 even these had failed society. Big brother meets my little spy was the last to go.  
  
As people world wide began to dust off crowbars and hacksaws and smash down everything mankind had struggled to build for thousands of years, the three supreme rulers of Earth (who happened to be women and wore a lot of gold jewelry) met. There aim was to create the most bloodiest, violentest, most vomit-enducingest thing ever. Something that would be so horrific it would last for evermore.  
  
They created a world. They gave it plants ,water, life. Then they gave it natural walls which surrounded it entirely, making it an effective prison. They called it Hyrule (from the greek meaning "Hell-rule")  
  
And into this they threw, the disgusting dregs of society. Children, the annoying little brats that people secretly hated, were sent in first. Then the idiots. Then the fat people. Then all the olympic swimmers who mocked others with their aquatic abilities and muscles. Add a few thousand cameras and it was the perfect real-life programme. The four aspects of society went their seperate ways to each of their preffered area of the world. There the enclosed societies got completely inbred and even stupider than when they started.  
  
People got bored with it quickly. "There's not enough violence"people said. For the third time, society hung on a knife edge.  
  
"Not enough violence, eh?" Din, the most violent of the three sister rulers snapped. "I'll give 'em f**king violence!"  
  
With their genitic technology they created a super species-all women- and placed them into the little world. This species was formed with the evil gene within them and they ran to the deserts, where they dwelt like a scab on the world. People were interested again.  
  
"Hey! I aint finished yet!" Din snapped.  
  
She broke and twisted and shattered physics and gave the world magic, so that the other species could fight back when the Gerudos launched their attack( Of course the others were too stupid to develop science). And, as all good writers know, the bad guys needed an incentive to do their evil deeds. What could be better, she thought, than tickets out of that dump.  
  
The last present to the world, before they sealed it up and left, leaving only the cameras behind, was a great golden artefact. It was a golden triangle formed from three smaller golden triangles. It was a holy relic, it was the ticket out of there, and it was sealed away. But the rumours and myths about it survived- the three rulers made sure of it. Gerudos where the only ones who knew its true power and they fought great wars for it. Each time they lost, beaten down by little more than the great numbers in which the other species bred.  
  
1000 years passed. The outsiders where happy and peacefull. In Hyrule the people where happy and violent and lived the dreams of those outside.   
  
Then. their was nothing. For 30 years, the Gerudo Fortress was silent. No armies marched from it, no hordes of lusty women held seige to the enemy. People in both worlds began to grow bored. Where was the action? Where was the fun?  
  
In their great golden castle, perched ontop of the highest mountain on Earth the immortal sisters smiled to themselves. This was perfect, precisely to plan. They were gonna give these people something to remeber, even if it did take 30 years of planning. It would be the televised extravaganza of a lifetime.  
  
And the star... 


	2. The beggining

Ok.This is gonna take me a while to get into a rythm thang. In other words this is gonna be uter tripe for a very long while. Probably it will delve into the mating habits of the Gerudos, whos Link's parents are (likely Ganandorf) and at some point one of the godesses are probably gonna get their clothes off. OK?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hyrule live was a religion. People worshiped it. They dedicated their lives to it. Every day, from 6-8 o'clock, 5 billion people around the globe would tune in and watch. It was the last hope for mankind.  
  
And it was failing. Ratings where dropping faster than a rich uncle on a high cliff.  
  
Nayru flicked over another sheet of the document and inspected it.  
  
"Riots in Paris.....gang wars in New York.....Jesus, this is terrible."  
  
One of the walls which made up the huge marble hall was given over to over a couple of thousand tvs. All showed views from within the world of Hyrule- forests, plains, mountains- but they flickered and the pictures where replaced by less pleasant viewing. Most of the screens showed things burning or men screaming. One or two had been completely obscured by blood.  
  
"There goes the Eifel tower," Din noted. A great metallic grinding noise, followed by a huge crash and many squelches echoed around the hall. There was a cry of " Oih non!"  
  
Another television showed the progress of the Angel of the North, which had been turned into a monstrous, robotic, killing machine. And was now trashing Wakefield, laser eyes frying anyone in its path.  
  
"Now what do we do?" Nayru asked.  
  
"What else can we do?" Nayru sighed. She pressed a button on the remote and the many images vanished, replaced by the view from a single camera. Muffled, gurgling snores filled the hall as the person on screen slept face down in a half-eaten peperoni piza."We start early."  
  
"Seven years early? He's barely 10!"  
  
"Do you have a better idea?" Nayru asked. " Besides, in seven years there wont be anyone around to watch anyway."  
  
There was silence as the others two watched. They didnt like it, Nayru realised, they'd spent so much time and energy making everything perfect.  
  
"Agreed?"  
  
Silence, then:  
  
"Agreed."  
  
"Fine, whatever." 


	3. Another chapter Running out of names her...

I'd just like to say here that David Blaine is an attention-grabbing arse 4 doing what he's doing. If this latest trick doesn't finish him off then I will.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They'd mapped out the history of Hyrule for the next 10 years. Even down to the atomic level. When things didnt fit into the plan, they changed them. It wasnt Destiny that would lead Link onto saving the world- just very good planning.  
  
But something needed to be done to knock the boy from the predetermined path on which he walked. They'd need someone important, someone in a position to greatly influence the boy. Someone who nobody would miss when they replaced them.  
  
They'd chosen Navi for sheer abnoxious value. Viewers wanted someone they could hate of course, and she'd been it; they could talk about them at work and moan and complain that their favourite saying was, "Am i ming-ging?" or "Let's all go to death mountain!" She was dumb, maybe because her brain was no larger than a smartie, or bacause there was no education facilities anywhere, or because she was blonde.  
  
Whatever the reason, she was dumb anough to stand on a big red 'X' in a secluded part of the woods whilst a red dot travelled purposefully up her arm.  
  
"ooooooooo. Pwetty."  
  
The dot stopped over her chest. The birds were suddenly silenced, as if holding their breath.  
  
BANG!  
  
A few minutes later a very small, very naked Din flew through Link's window.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Cant be bothered to write any more right now or possibly ever. I reckon i lost my muse. I can write for a week or so but then cant be arsed so everything i do peters away into nothing. Ah well, it was fun whilst it lasted. Maybe it'll come back in a week or so? 


End file.
